Especially For You

Wherever you may be right now, thank you for being a part of my life. I may not able to tell you this personally but I hope that you feel my love for you. You told me once that you never wanted me to wait. But for me, even waiting for you is the closest thing to heaven. I love you and you will always be in my heart. I'll be waiting, even if it will take me forever.

Thoughts of Leaving

Last night, I dreamt of a movie ticket that was in my hand. As all dreams are, I don't have the slightest idea where that ticket came from. I never got to look around where I was in my dream. It was only the movie ticket that I paid attention to. Then I recall looking at it, then the scene became black and I was awake.

Baffled and wanting to find answers, I googled what this meant. This has been my habit everytime I remember my dreams and does not know its meaning. Often times, I really do not know what they mean. That's why I often look for its definition online.

According to the Dream Dictionary, to see a movie ticket in your dream signifies the start of a new endeavor. This means you have decided on your paths and goals in life. To dream a movie ticket represents your need to be more objective in your decisions and goals in life.

I tried to understand what this means and looked hard in where I am right now in my life. Being a year older than last year, I cannot help but re-assess where my life is right now and where I want it to go. Last night before I slept, I was loosely listing down all the things that I wanted to accomplish in the next 2 years. It includes what I wanted to buy, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. It has something for myself and for my family. However after juxtaposing it with my current resources, it seems not doable. I need to have another job to help me fulfill those dreams and make them a reality. These dreams are not grand but they are not also cheap.

I then thought and asked myself, should I then leave? But leave and go where? I have a pending Canada application for Skilled Immigration already but decided to put it on hold for the meantime since I am still contented with what I have here in the Philippines. I have never thought of working back in Davao City. It's not that Davao is less metropolitan than Manila. It's just that I made a very conscious decision way back in college that after I graduate I will not be working in Davao City but in Manila or outside of the country. I have been in Davao for 20+ years of my life already and I would want to experience a new life outside of it. But one thing is for sure, Davao will be my haven when I retire. Singapore then? But I have second thoughts going there. It seems so near. If I should go out, I want it to be far far away from the Philippines.

Why then do I want to leave? 
Is it to earn more? Is it to see more? Or is it to forget more?
The answer probably is a mix of the three. 

So what then stops me from leaving?
My family. My mom asking me to stay first. My siblings. My dream of studying law and becoming a lawyer in the Philippines. My P&G career. The comforts of living in your country, wherever you are in it. My friends, wherever they are. My life in the Philippines.

If I am leaving the country, I want it for good and no turning back. If there is something that I am consistent, it is the courage to start anew even if it means strange and difficult.

When am I leaving the country then? 
I am giving myself another 2 years.
 

Pre-Natal Jitters

It's only one month before my birthday and I feel the stress already of having another digit added to my age. Come July 16, I will be officially 26 years old! 0_0 

OH MY GOD!

26! I AM TURNING TWENTY-SIX! 

I never realized this aging process could happen so fast.

Backtrack 10-15 years ago, I always say to myself that I wanted to grow up fast and get out of school because when I get out of school and be in my 20's already, I'll already have a job. When I get older, I can already buy the things that I want. When I get older, I can already go to places where I have never been to yet.

Flash forward to 10 years after, it seems that almost all of the things that I thought would happen actually happened. 

Now that the 1st quarter of my life has already passed, I cannot help but ask myself, "What have you done significantly in the 25 years of your existence?" 

Uhmmm... Get out of school? Have a decent job? Help send money back home? Help send my siblings to school? Travel to places that I have never been to yet? Buy the things that I want?

Probably, these can be valid answers to my question. However as I age more, I realize that getting old is not easy. It is not what I thought it would be. True enough, I now earn my own money, I now buy what I like, I now can go places. But it does not end there for me.

Somewhere in me, it wishes for me to get older and age more because probably, ten years from now, I can already buy some grand things, travel more frequently outside of the country, help more people and become much wiser. I came to realize that this yearning of mine to get older never stops. I always wanted to reach the next level because for me, years from now, I will be better than I am now. For me, the future is brighter than what it is now.

It is always about what will I be several years from now. The focus is always the then and not the now. I have fixed my stare on the prize set forward without stopping to look at where I am now. Am I running the right track for my prize? Am I on the right race to my future? All I ever care is the goal in front but not where I am currently standing.

As I begin the next quarter of my life, I should come to terms with myself about what I should be doing NOW. I already know the prize that I want that is waiting at the end of the road which is several years from now. What is left for me to do is to sow the seeds that will bear fruit to that prize. I should start doing those little but impactful steps of making those prized goals a reality as I near the finish line. I should begin doing those things that will help me reach the end of the line. I believe that life is a race, but never a competitive race. Some might argue with me. But from my perspective, life is a race to personal happiness and fulfillment. It is a race to greatness in the eyes of your God, of your family, of your friends, of your countrymen and of yourself. 

Now, more than ever in my life, is the best way to start making my life complete - a life where I will be fulfilled and satisfied with whatever I do -  to help more people/children, reach for financial freedom, join more civic and cause-oriented groups, be more patriotic in my actions, serve my God, family, friends, colleagues, bosses and myself well, and do the things that I have always wanted to do which some might think are ridiculous and crazy. Life is never about the end, it's the journey you make. And as I continue to travail the paved and sometimes uneven track of life, I relish the thought of more smiles, tears, laughters, sorrows, joy and pain that will come along my way. More emotions to make me more alive.

And now that this fresh start is coming soon, I indulge myself in the remaining days of the first quarter of my life and reflect more on the bad, the good and the learnings that I made along the way. These will help guide me in my new journey to a life of greatness and bliss.

REPOST: Heart Console

I just want to repost this blog post that I made last year in my Friendster blog .

There will always be some things in life that you find hard to let go. And letting go is always never the easy way out. Though hard and devastating, it's the only way to move on and continue.

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I wonder if the human heart levels up after every heartbreak that it endures.

Just like in any console game, characters level up their skills and statistics in every level of the game. Their strength increases, their agility heightens, their stamina boosts up, their power magnifies and their character becomes less vulnerable than it was before. Is the human heart capable of this also? After enduring so much hurt and so much pain, will it ever be less vulnerable than it was before? Will it be stronger enough to withstand another heartache? Will it be powerful enough to shield itself from the tremors of failing to love?

If the heart is a console game character, it will seem easier. As each level progresses and the difficulty increases, the heart becomes stronger and willful to battle the challenges that it faces. 

If the heart is a console game character, it will seem less difficult to love. At each stage of the game, the fear of getting hurt becomes negligible.

BUT If the heart is a console game character, love will cease to exist and the heart cannot learn to love. The heart will not know the concept of losing and loving at the same time. The heart will not learn to understand the happiness and sadness in every tear when you love. The heart cannot love unconditionally and fears hurting itself when it loves. The heart cannot live to its purpose which is to give itself away wholly and never fear of getting itself back swollen and bruised.

The human heart does not level up after every heartache. It does not become less vulnerable after every pain. Sometimes, it becomes more vulnerable than it was before. The human heart continuously fears to love and fears the pain of loving. But the human heart remains to give itself away because it never ceases to love even amidst these challenges. It is in these moments where it learns more than the console game character’s skills. It learns to forgive, to love and be loved in return, to feel happiness and pain, to wait unconditionally and smile after every heartache and pain.

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Larger than Life

I made a pact with myself that 2010 will be a year of new challenges and new discoveries. And one of those is opening myself to a more frutiful and intimate spiritual relationship with my God.

I have long been a follower of Bo Sanchez ever since I was in high school. Let's not delve anymore in the year it was. I started to know Bo Sanchez through the Catholic magazine Kerygma. My classmate used to bring these monthly Kerygma journals with her at school and I happened to like the stories and the articles in the journal. That led me to be a fan of Bo Sanchez. Years later, I went to Manila and started my career in the metro. I have heard of the ministry that Bo was leading, The Light of Jesus Community, long before but it was only last year that I was introduced and started joining the Catholic Sunday ministry through my friend, Bro.

I was really biased against Catholic or Christian ministries before. It was because the only way that I knew of praising and preaching was by attending the 1-hour mass every Sunday. And that was it. All other methods of preaching that includes singing and dancing were just not my ways. I do not have anything against it actually. It was just the way we were brought up. But part of growing up is also having a wider representation of different things and becoming more open-minded. And I soon realized that it wasn't that bad after all and singing and dancing are one of the many ways that can be done to praise and worship.

Last Sunday, I was able to attend the Sunday mass and service in THE FEAST. The theme last week talked about "Your Future is Brighter than Your Past". I was really touched by the theme because it reaffirms the purpose of our lives which is to serve the Lord and not only ourselves. No matter what our past is, a bright future still holds for everyone of us.

This Sunday, the theme talked about "God's plans are bigger than your past mistakes". I reflected on this for a long time and realized that this affects everyone of us. At some point in our lives, we had some downfalls, made bad decisions, did crazy things and suffered the consequences of our ill actions. But what the statement tells us is that whatever errors we did in our lives in the past, it should not be the reason for us to stop believing that our lives will be better in the future. Sometimes, we tend to wallow in self pity because of guilt and the sin of our actions. We think that because of this, we will not be blessed anymore in life. But what Bo shared was that no matter how big these past mistakes are, God will always find a way to bring us back to him. When we fail God in his PLAN A for us, He will always have an alternative plan prepared. He never leaves us to rot in guilt and shame. He always gives us options. All we need to do is hope and have faith.

I remember the story last week about a rat experiment. The experiment was to test how long a rat can survive in a room without a light and with a tiny hole of light. In the first test, Rat A was placed in a pail of water and stored inside a very dark room without any lights. It only took the rat 3 minutes to stay afloat in water before it died. In the second test, Rat B was also placed in a pail of water but was stored in a dark room but with a tiny hole of light. Surprisingly, Rat B was able to stay afloat for 36 hours before it died. Rat B's faith kept it alive longer and can be interpreted that somehow if it struggles to stay afloat and swim, it may reach the small tunnel of light. This is a very amazing testimony that if we have a strong faith, we can go where we want and go a long way in our lives.

Happy Sunday everyone! ;)